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I wish I had started using Dreamwidth when I was the deepest in my ONF lore phase. They would definitely be my most used artist tag by this point. It's too late to import everything over now, since that would be much too exhaustive. My laptop starts whirring as soon as the singular Google Doc file that I shoved all my notes and theories on back in the day is opened… I don't think I should move some over here… unless…?
There's an itch in my skull to revisit everything and perhaps dig some more clues out, even though I know that would be horrendous for my mental stability, let's be honest. But, oh, I had so much going. A hopeful sprout in me is determined to finish my lore-fic, and maybe this is the key to regaining inspiration. I noticed a while ago that I've gotten to a point where I hate thinking about that colossal Doc at all because it's… so fucking overwhelming. That won't do, obviously, if I ever want closure on this ONF lore route of my life (which is, in fact, a much more prominent gateway than a four K-Pop music videos should ever be on someone's life). Perhaps, more of that will come later… Perhaps, I'll reveal the 74-page, fully color-coded, multi-annotated map of my Fuse mind someday. Perhaps, I can finish chapter one of the fic rooted in this that I began in 2020 (on July 21st, so it's approaching its two-year mark very soon).
I can do it. I swear I'll be able to do it. I can theorize here, too. I can do it. I'll show it and prove it.
(The thing is: my main issue with writing is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I know this is such a common and basic problem for artists of all types, but I never realized the extent of how painful it is until I'm experiencing this myself. I used to not think it was that complex of a problem—I would have probably told the person to "just leave it be; it's fine how it is!" God, if only I can bide my own naïve advice now. It's horrible; every time I want to make progress and write more material, I end up only rereading what I have and make tedious, minuscule edits to sentences or switch out word choices that no one would ever think about. By the time I finish all that, I'm too drained to create more. I promise that I'll do the actual writing next time. Next time, I end up falling back in this trap. It becomes a never-ending cycle—one that sounds easy to break out of when I say it simply like this, but it's most definitely not; I have tried for more than a year. But, whatever, that's a problem I'll have to find my own way of resolving, I suppose. I try not to think about it and pray that eventually, by miraculous chance, I'll gain a sudden insight and liberating inspiration that will set my disturbed mind free.)
On the topic of fics, this burst of motivation actually came while I was reading this infamous 257k-word VIXX fic that I have mentioned oh-so-amply in my past few posts. I think it's time I discuss that in detail—for my own sanity.
So, as of today, June 10th, I am at chapter 43 out of 50. I didn't read last night, nor the night before. (I needed to prove to myself that I still had that control over my life… I also needed to give myself time to calm down because my journey through reading the 30s chapters were singlehandedly the most intense experience of my whole current lifespan. Jesus fucking hell.) That was after reading every damn night until at least—at the very least—4 A.M. but usually later (earlier?). For example, Tuesday night left me practically pulling an all-nighter. I went to sleep at 9 in the morning but woke up at around noon. I felt like shit the whole day, and was it worth it? Probably because the batshit insane high was unstoppable! That left me off at chapter 42, of course. After several in-fic asses kicked, I decided to give it a rest there and let my soul heal for a couple days. And here I am now: absolutely no where near fully recovered, but the fixation on getting back to it is stronger than ever. Tonight, I'll promise myself a few more chapters, but my sensibility is subconsciously telling me to go slow for this last part. I've been going at this for soon-to-be-over two weeks straight—this fic feels almost integral to my daily life now—and I'm slightly worried about how I'll be able to cope with the nothingness that comes when I finally finish it.
Two weeks, huh… I swear it doesn't feel that long. Oh my god. See, I live-tweeted my entire read, from the start to where I am now, and fucking hell, I wish I could easily how many tweets are in that thread—my guess is that the replies have to be in the 400s by now. Either way, the genesis of this very thread is linked here. May 30th is insane. It feels like I've only been reading for a few days. Like, you don't get how crazy it is. I'm practically never able to read anything beyond 100k, Before this, the longest I've ever finished without a single instance of skimming was Children of the Storm by Ink-and-stars at 106k words—and possibly this Woozi/Seungcheol fic that got deleted, so I can't check—but, most of the time, I can only trust myself to stick to one-shot smuts or angsts.
This brings me to my VIXX binge. Oh, my swallowing VIXX content binge that I will keep trying to pretend came out of the blue, but truthfully, I know for a fact it was initiated by my ruination from this fic. And so, there I was: at the most ungodly hours of night, burning through nigh every Scentist stage they've done. That was a week ago. Now, I've fallen even deeper, scouring the trenches of their old reality shows and variety guestings.
I just watched some of the old, discontinued 1theK segments they were on and the MV Commentary for Error from Mnet. God, that shit was so fun. Why would 1theK stop Ask in a Box?
Last night, though, I impulsively started VIXX TV2 from episode one. I was basically begging my oomfs to tell me to stop, so I can gather myself and STAND UP! They did not. They only pushed me onwards.
I miss when Jellyfish Ent. hard-subbed these videos, though, damn. Why'd they stop… Did the translator budget run out? They can soft-sub VERIVERY's show in four different languages but can only afford to translate every other sentence on the remains of what's barely keeping the RealVIXX channel alive? Damn… No shade to the berry boys, of course. I love them lots.
Here's a set of screenshots from episode 4 that I found hilarious. Hongbin is a fucking comedian. (Sorry, the captions are so small for some reason, but they clear up when you zoom in.)
Somewhere between episode 4 and episode 7, I came upon a revelation that Sanghyuk smiles like Eric Nam; I knew that eye crinkle and bean mouth reminded me of someone else for the longest time, but I couldn't put my finger on who!
Here is the subber translating what Taekwoon said into "shitting bricks". I'm not exaggerating when I say was hunched over giggled at this for several minutes. What if this is why VIXX TV stopped being subbed… Did Jelpi find out about this later down the line and fired this hero?
By the way, does this selfie not exist online? I tried searching for it and only found a crazy shipper fanstagram and every other picture of Leo and Eunji together except this one. Though, I did come across several other (heavily filtered) screenshots of this very image, so that led me to thinking that they might not have posted it… fuck. Anyway, Eunji looks so gorgeous with this hairstyle—Christ. I wasn't expecting to see her, and when she showed up I was totally gagged. She's so beautiful; she's so lovely.
Here is Hakyeon looking like Lim Seulong's and Lee Dongwook's sugar baby.
I ended up leaving off at episode 10 in order to finish up my final Queendom 2, once and for all. I am keeping track of my progress on MyDramaList. Place your bets on whether this VIXX fixation will last long enough for me to finish all 101 episodes. I'm betting not, but stay tuned.
( 记录, etc. )
I elaborate unnecessarily graphically about my writing struggles.
There's an itch in my skull to revisit everything and perhaps dig some more clues out, even though I know that would be horrendous for my mental stability, let's be honest. But, oh, I had so much going. A hopeful sprout in me is determined to finish my lore-fic, and maybe this is the key to regaining inspiration. I noticed a while ago that I've gotten to a point where I hate thinking about that colossal Doc at all because it's… so fucking overwhelming. That won't do, obviously, if I ever want closure on this ONF lore route of my life (which is, in fact, a much more prominent gateway than a four K-Pop music videos should ever be on someone's life). Perhaps, more of that will come later… Perhaps, I'll reveal the 74-page, fully color-coded, multi-annotated map of my Fuse mind someday. Perhaps, I can finish chapter one of the fic rooted in this that I began in 2020 (on July 21st, so it's approaching its two-year mark very soon).
I can do it. I swear I'll be able to do it. I can theorize here, too. I can do it. I'll show it and prove it.
(The thing is: my main issue with writing is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I know this is such a common and basic problem for artists of all types, but I never realized the extent of how painful it is until I'm experiencing this myself. I used to not think it was that complex of a problem—I would have probably told the person to "just leave it be; it's fine how it is!" God, if only I can bide my own naïve advice now. It's horrible; every time I want to make progress and write more material, I end up only rereading what I have and make tedious, minuscule edits to sentences or switch out word choices that no one would ever think about. By the time I finish all that, I'm too drained to create more. I promise that I'll do the actual writing next time. Next time, I end up falling back in this trap. It becomes a never-ending cycle—one that sounds easy to break out of when I say it simply like this, but it's most definitely not; I have tried for more than a year. But, whatever, that's a problem I'll have to find my own way of resolving, I suppose. I try not to think about it and pray that eventually, by miraculous chance, I'll gain a sudden insight and liberating inspiration that will set my disturbed mind free.)
On the topic of fics, this burst of motivation actually came while I was reading this infamous 257k-word VIXX fic that I have mentioned oh-so-amply in my past few posts. I think it's time I discuss that in detail—for my own sanity.
And this is the current logging of my absurd VIXX fic reading journey.
So, as of today, June 10th, I am at chapter 43 out of 50. I didn't read last night, nor the night before. (I needed to prove to myself that I still had that control over my life… I also needed to give myself time to calm down because my journey through reading the 30s chapters were singlehandedly the most intense experience of my whole current lifespan. Jesus fucking hell.) That was after reading every damn night until at least—at the very least—4 A.M. but usually later (earlier?). For example, Tuesday night left me practically pulling an all-nighter. I went to sleep at 9 in the morning but woke up at around noon. I felt like shit the whole day, and was it worth it? Probably because the batshit insane high was unstoppable! That left me off at chapter 42, of course. After several in-fic asses kicked, I decided to give it a rest there and let my soul heal for a couple days. And here I am now: absolutely no where near fully recovered, but the fixation on getting back to it is stronger than ever. Tonight, I'll promise myself a few more chapters, but my sensibility is subconsciously telling me to go slow for this last part. I've been going at this for soon-to-be-over two weeks straight—this fic feels almost integral to my daily life now—and I'm slightly worried about how I'll be able to cope with the nothingness that comes when I finally finish it.
Two weeks, huh… I swear it doesn't feel that long. Oh my god. See, I live-tweeted my entire read, from the start to where I am now, and fucking hell, I wish I could easily how many tweets are in that thread—my guess is that the replies have to be in the 400s by now. Either way, the genesis of this very thread is linked here. May 30th is insane. It feels like I've only been reading for a few days. Like, you don't get how crazy it is. I'm practically never able to read anything beyond 100k, Before this, the longest I've ever finished without a single instance of skimming was Children of the Storm by Ink-and-stars at 106k words—and possibly this Woozi/Seungcheol fic that got deleted, so I can't check—but, most of the time, I can only trust myself to stick to one-shot smuts or angsts.
Though, there's countless 'long' ones I have bookmarked and open on other tabs that are longer—the ones I thought I was thoroughly hooked on at the beginning, but ended up losing steam a little later into it. I didn't have the heart to get rid of it, so I always told myself I'd get back to them eventually. I'll make note of these here, just in case any of them one day receive the title of One Of The Longest Fics I Have Ever Read. These include, but are not limited to, Immortals by inkin_brushes (at work 4), celestial mechanics by komoonyoung (at chapter 22), and under the eyes of the moon by heartsighed (at chapter 3).
Also, for reference, that S.Coups/Woozi fic was my gateway to K-Pop fanfiction. It wasn't the very first K-Pop fic I read (that title goes to The Road by jamjoon); it was the second, but it was what truly drew me into the pastime of exploring the (sometimes questionable) wonders of Archive of Our Own. I'm not sure why it's gone (I feel like I somehow know that it was because the author's account got hacked, but I'm not sure how I know that, since I can't recall who the author was). I will try to delineate the plot, though, if anyone out there knows of it.
Also, for reference, that S.Coups/Woozi fic was my gateway to K-Pop fanfiction. It wasn't the very first K-Pop fic I read (that title goes to The Road by jamjoon); it was the second, but it was what truly drew me into the pastime of exploring the (sometimes questionable) wonders of Archive of Our Own. I'm not sure why it's gone (I feel like I somehow know that it was because the author's account got hacked, but I'm not sure how I know that, since I can't recall who the author was). I will try to delineate the plot, though, if anyone out there knows of it.
Basically, Jihoon was this technician (based off of BOOM BOOM music video, I suppose) whose car broke down while out in the middle of nowhere. While he can handle computers, he knows jack shit about cars, and was basically stranded until "mechanic" Seungcheol coincidentally showed up. Seungcheol's mechanic job turned out to just be a coverup, as he was revealed to be the leader of a motorcycle gang, and—well—things escalated from there. I remember that Jeonghan was Seungcheol's right hand man and had some kind of history with paramedic Jisoo, and I was super hooked on that side plot. (Yeah, this also served as my YoonHong awakening, and this YoonHongism would end up affecting me for the rest of my life, even up until now, but that's a story for another time.) Oh, and I'm also, like, 85% sure the rival gang was BTS members? Anyway, now that I'm reflecting on it like this, I really miss it… it was a good story. Damn… now, I want to try to figure out if it ever got re-uploaded.
Back to the main topic: I kind of want to go through that live-tweet thread and pick out the funnier reactions, for memory-keeping's sake.
Shall I?
I began reading with no intent of leaving any comments until the very end, where I can let all of my feelings flood out the gates at once in one big essay of a comment. That proved impossible as the feelings continued to build up, and I started caving at chapter 7. Then, sporadically, I dropped more comments on other chapters when I felt necessary—to add on to my private live-tweeting. There hasn't been a fic that made me this unable to shut up before… seriously. Anyway, the author replied to my comments a few times, and that made me happy. The latest one containing, "I have been absolutely living for your comments this week!!" settled my growing worries of being an annoyance flooding their notifications.
Ah, yes. Finally, the big reveal: the fic in question is The Watcher by lasif. It's a joyride of a read. I recommend it fervently.
Back to the main topic: I kind of want to go through that live-tweet thread and pick out the funnier reactions, for memory-keeping's sake.
Shall I?
I began reading with no intent of leaving any comments until the very end, where I can let all of my feelings flood out the gates at once in one big essay of a comment. That proved impossible as the feelings continued to build up, and I started caving at chapter 7. Then, sporadically, I dropped more comments on other chapters when I felt necessary—to add on to my private live-tweeting. There hasn't been a fic that made me this unable to shut up before… seriously. Anyway, the author replied to my comments a few times, and that made me happy. The latest one containing, "I have been absolutely living for your comments this week!!" settled my growing worries of being an annoyance flooding their notifications.
Ah, yes. Finally, the big reveal: the fic in question is The Watcher by lasif. It's a joyride of a read. I recommend it fervently.
This brings me to my VIXX binge. Oh, my swallowing VIXX content binge that I will keep trying to pretend came out of the blue, but truthfully, I know for a fact it was initiated by my ruination from this fic. And so, there I was: at the most ungodly hours of night, burning through nigh every Scentist stage they've done. That was a week ago. Now, I've fallen even deeper, scouring the trenches of their old reality shows and variety guestings.
More on this (VIXX spamming)—open at your own risk; I genuinely can't shut up.
I just watched some of the old, discontinued 1theK segments they were on and the MV Commentary for Error from Mnet. God, that shit was so fun. Why would 1theK stop Ask in a Box?
Last night, though, I impulsively started VIXX TV2 from episode one. I was basically begging my oomfs to tell me to stop, so I can gather myself and STAND UP! They did not. They only pushed me onwards.
@hutazcne 7:01 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "i'm normal"Alas, not even one episode of VIXX TV2 later, Minhyuk and the rest of BTOB make a cameo on screen getting their win stolen by VIXX on Show Champion. Like I said:
@hutazcne 7:01 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "i'm not a starlight guys. i'm Normal 😒"
@hutazcne 7:12 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "IM NORMAL IM NORMAL IM NORMAL IM NORAML AND DONT START GETTING DIZZY WHEN I SEE HONGBIN SHIRTLESS!!!! IM NORMAL!!!!!!!"@jungxiwoo 7:13 PM 9/9/22 Twitter for Android: "ah yes and i am not a 24u"@hutazcne 7:12 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "guys help me like i need hekp i think i might end up watching all of vixx tv 2 if i'm not stopped ."
@hutazcne 7:15 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "in my defense i didnt know this episode was going to be error mv behind the scenes if i knew i wouldve been better prepared. they should really give these videos a short summary or something"
@jungxiwoo 7:13 PM 9/9/22 Twitter for Android: "DO IT! HAVE FUN!"
@hutazcne 7:16 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "theres like 100 episodes in each season and bitch i might"
@jungxiwoo 7:20 PM 9/9/22 Twitter for Android: "i am as everyone knows normal and i tell you to do it! who's stopping you? definitely no one who follows your priv theyre probably just as insane as you SO DO IT!!"
@hutazcne 7:22 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "the way i havent even watched the new huta log i can't already be cheating on minhyuk damn it's barely been a year /j"
@hutazcne 7:40 PM 6/9/22 Twitter Web App: "this was an omen god heard me talking about cheating on btob and made sure i would never escape from them even in vixx tv"But, whatever—their thirty second appearance was cute as hell. I first saw Ilhoon in his silly little You're So Fly era overalls and beanie, and I spasmed for a second, like "What are you doing here?!" until I remembered that BTOB and VIXX were quite literally music-show-promotion buddies for pretty much their entire respective careers. Then, my eyes panned over the Minhyuk (all the way on the other side of the screen, for some reason)—whom, through this blurry ass video quality, I somehow thought was G-DRAGON for a whole second (because of his hair, maybe?) before deciding that notion was unrealistic because Jiyong would never be this animated at a music show. Minhyuk started kitty-pawing on Wonshik's arm when VIXX were announced for the win, and I hate to admit that that was absolutely a Minhyuk thing to do. Ilhoon also started jumping up and down; god, they're all so cute.
I miss when Jellyfish Ent. hard-subbed these videos, though, damn. Why'd they stop… Did the translator budget run out? They can soft-sub VERIVERY's show in four different languages but can only afford to translate every other sentence on the remains of what's barely keeping the RealVIXX channel alive? Damn… No shade to the berry boys, of course. I love them lots.
Here's a set of screenshots from episode 4 that I found hilarious. Hongbin is a fucking comedian. (Sorry, the captions are so small for some reason, but they clear up when you zoom in.)
Somewhere between episode 4 and episode 7, I came upon a revelation that Sanghyuk smiles like Eric Nam; I knew that eye crinkle and bean mouth reminded me of someone else for the longest time, but I couldn't put my finger on who!
Here is the subber translating what Taekwoon said into "shitting bricks". I'm not exaggerating when I say was hunched over giggled at this for several minutes. What if this is why VIXX TV stopped being subbed… Did Jelpi find out about this later down the line and fired this hero?
By the way, does this selfie not exist online? I tried searching for it and only found a crazy shipper fanstagram and every other picture of Leo and Eunji together except this one. Though, I did come across several other (heavily filtered) screenshots of this very image, so that led me to thinking that they might not have posted it… fuck. Anyway, Eunji looks so gorgeous with this hairstyle—Christ. I wasn't expecting to see her, and when she showed up I was totally gagged. She's so beautiful; she's so lovely.
Here is Hakyeon looking like Lim Seulong's and Lee Dongwook's sugar baby.
I ended up leaving off at episode 10 in order to finish up my final Queendom 2, once and for all. I am keeping track of my progress on MyDramaList. Place your bets on whether this VIXX fixation will last long enough for me to finish all 101 episodes. I'm betting not, but stay tuned.
( 记录, etc. )
