yestoday

Hi. I have neglected this journal for a hot while (besides the sudden ONF album review that popped up last week, but that was unintentional—it was just because I got sick of cramming my sentences into tweets and, in an instinctive flurry, flung the rest of it over here).

There's reasons besides burnout on why I left this journal for dead for over a month. I wanted to provide an explanation—to the approximately zero people who are reading this. It's mostly for myself, a justification to placate my own weltering guilt and discomfort of going quiet on here without a word.

( 记录, etc. )

[started on twitter here, but i wanted to mention groups as examples without their weird stans finding this LMAO. sorry, i'm going through something right now. just to clarify, i know i'll be fine; i'll survive this period of hell—i think. if 2nd gen stans got through it, i can too! fuck you! anyway.]

the week of may 9th is going to be the worst week of my life: two consecutive massive exams immediately after myungjun enlists.

this still seriously feels fictional. i can't believe it's already the time for one of my token emotional support boys that carried my happiness throughout so, so many of my teen years to go.

despite knowing i've been here for a solid stack of years, in some ways, i still don't feel like i could consider myself an old k-pop stan. but as this year and the next approaches to a close, i realize that a large chunk of my ults are going to be gone by then. it's frightening thinking about it. what am i going to do when they're gone? get into the neverending newer groups, probably—but it won't be the same, as i didn't grow up with them like i did with the previous generation.

i think inseong enlisting was the first incident that began feeding into this anxious notion. it's strange… the remnants of 3rd gen. are undergoing the gradual transition to its inevitable fermata. it's not the end, and it's not forever—i know this—but the monster empire that that hallyu wave built is in its decline, and it's a sight to behold. while inseong enlisting was my first wake-up call that 'hello, your ults are being picked away one by one!', got7 separating was ultimately the first triggering of my generational crisis—soon tailed by gfriend's disbandment and, a while later, lovelyz's and nu'est's. because that felt like i was witnessing the fall of the roman empire, collapsing before my eyes in real, traumatizing time.

i feel a little silly to be feeling this shaken over all this, as i'm well aware that all the earlier generations of k-pop and their fans have gone through the same thing—icon enlistments, major disbandments, etc.—and (most) are still staying strong and are able to enjoy the old content and music just fine into their adulthood. i, too, enjoy older generations' stuff just fine, as well, but the sole differentiating factor is the intense bursts of wishing that i was there when all of this went down in the first place.

as the 3rd gen. that i have grown oh-so-attached to trudges forward through time (and eventually gets slowed by its encumbering force to a halt), i worry that i'm going to start missing these days really bad, as well. i'm an emotionally sensitive person; i cannot handle being overwhelmed with emotions that smoothly, so just the thought of that is making me even more uneasy. one day, i'm going to have a nostalgic breakdown, like i already almost do when watching 2nd gen. stages, sometimes even early 3rd gen. ones.

perhaps it all ties back down to myself, in the end: perhaps, in truth, my sentiment stems from the revelation that my idols are growing up, which means i am, too. it's positively insane, thinking back, that i genuinely spent all of my teen years with them (since i hopped into this rabbit hole when i was twelve, the month before i entered my teens); i've never had a fixed, crazed interest that held out for this long—the closest can likely be denoted to jacksepticeye and markiplier, both of whom i still care for, but have not been keeping up with. marvel? that could count, but i was only ever an expert in the cinematic universe, which didn't feel like enough for me to associate myself as a real fan and be able to attach myself to its fanbase, because i couldn't feel qualified enough to name myself an official member of it.
everyone is growing up. we are all growing up. my k-pop girls and boys are all growing up. the remaining time of every group's run in the industry is slowly ticking up. everything is changing. of course, there are the longtime backbones who are still going strong: hiatus completed and all (apink and btob—god bless—and highlight too, if you count beast. hey, wait... how come all three of these originated from cube?). and there is, on a more uplifting note, the exciting essence of 2nd gen. revival in the air! this point is quite hopeful; when you have instances like a t-ara comeback, a boyfriend comeback, 9muses and after school on mmtg, a bigbang comeback, a psy comeback, a 100% rebrand, infinite gathering at sunggyu's concert and promising something when myungsoo returns, girls' generation apparently being suspicious (or maybe that's sones' projection, but i can still try to speak it into existence), and, hell, 2ne1 performing at coachella, for fuck's sake, it's impossible for your heart not to blossom even the tiniest bit. so, clearly, there's more to come, more to be offered for us—both from the hags and the new faces. after all this, i shouldn't feel too down at all. but the primary lurking fear remains: twice's contract renewal.